I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
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Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
*aggressively waits in line*
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
My body is a wonderland, but like, the “Alice In” type. Everything is the wrong size. Tons of tea in there. Cats everywhere.
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!