dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
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Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
*sees a bug in my apartment*
me: *yells at the spiderweb in the corner*
WHAT THE SHIT, FRANK?! WE HAD A DEAL
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
Boss: You wrote one of your strengths is invisibility and that seems–what are you doing?!
Me (giving him the finger): Wait–you can see me?
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
Kermit goes Blue.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
reminder
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Imagine how much more useful Superman would’ve been if he’d helped people move their heavy furniture instead.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?