[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
You Might Also Like
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now
[me as a tree in allergy season] HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH YOUR NOSE
A first date is probably the best time to show off your wicked hand puppet skills.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?