Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.


Twitter Friend: You get yourself a TC yet?

Me: Sure did, this morning in fact.

TF: Oh ya? And..??

M: Awesome. Hit the spot. Strong, extra large. I swallowed it all in one gulp.

TF: Shut up! What’s his @ ?

Me: …We aren’t talking about Timmies Coffee are we?


I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.


Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.



LIFE HACK: How To Get Rid Of Bags Under Your Eyes

1. Get a raw potato, wash it & peel it. Cut it into slices.

2. Place in a frying pan with butter, salt/pepper, onions & bacon.

3. Go online, order concealer while eating your fried potatoes. Win-Win.


Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?


A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.


Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.

Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.

Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?


Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.

Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.