Mom: You need to get a hobby.
Me: Like photography?
Mom: I don’t think stalking the garbageman is a hobby.
Today is my 18th wedding anniversary.
If my husband doesn’t give me a divorce as a gift I’m telling his girlfriend.
The garbage man is late.
I think he’s been cheating on me with some other piece of trash.
I wonder if mirrors every get tired of having their picture taken.
Being on twitter has made my spelling, grammar and vocabulary so much gooder.
This pill bottle says ‘Take with plenty of fluids’ and ‘Don’t take with alcohol’.
That doesn’t even make sense.
I’ve found a diner. Or maybe it’s a house. Either way this little old lady is cooking me breakfast.
If I went back in time I’d tell myself…
“Don’t wait until 29 to become a stripper. You get to be naked, drunk and get paid for it!”
If I’m old enough to be your mother we can’t date. Just kidding. Go ask for your allowance and buy me a drink.