I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
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My last cat loved deli meat, chicken pot pie, and spaghetti. Beto just looks at human food from across the room like “did it come out of a bag with my face on it? No?? That’s what I thought”
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?