Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
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My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
I hate birds as much as the next guy, but not enough to hold one prisoner in a cage at my home
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
If dolphins are so smart why do they still live in the water
I could die climbing Mount Everest or I could die sitting on my couch eating Tostitos and I think we all know which one is preferable.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
setting a small grass fire next to my inflatable pool and then asking the firefighters to fill it up while they’re here
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
My gang hand signals look a lot like the finger in the hole motion, followed by the call me gesture.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I WISH I WERE PAC-MAN SO WHEN I GOT UPSET I COULD EAT SOME CHERRIES & EVERYONE AROUND ME WOULD TURN INTO GHOSTS
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.