@Canadian_Cutie_

Mother in law: Do you think you will have any more children?

Me: Oh, no. His pull out game is strong

@Canadian_Cutie_

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: There is a sale on Cinnamon Bun Oreos

Officer: Get in my car it’s faster

@Canadian_Cutie_

Him: do you swallow

Me: Yes

*walks away mumbling. How else do you think I eat. Idiot

@Canadian_Cutie_

If I have learned anything in life it’s don’t throw away your fat clothes

@Canadian_Cutie_

I had to use a rotary phone to try to get concert tickets so don’t you tell me Ticket Master online is taking too long

@Canadian_Cutie_

Dad: ok we need to find the number to that store, get the phone book

Me: Get the what now?

@Canadian_Cutie_

First date

*dont let him know you been stalking him

Him- so my brother just got deployed

Me: Josh or Brian?

@Canadian_Cutie_

My voicemail greeting:

Its 2016, please hang up and text me before the beep so I don’t get a notification.