Mother in law: Do you think you will have any more children?
Me: Oh, no. His pull out game is strong
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: There is a sale on Cinnamon Bun Oreos
Officer: Get in my car it’s faster
Him: do you swallow
*walks away mumbling. How else do you think I eat. Idiot
If I have learned anything in life it’s don’t throw away your fat clothes
I had to use a rotary phone to try to get concert tickets so don’t you tell me Ticket Master online is taking too long
Dad: ok we need to find the number to that store, get the phone book
Me: Get the what now?
*dont let him know you been stalking him
Him- so my brother just got deployed
Me: Josh or Brian?
My voicemail greeting:
Its 2016, please hang up and text me before the beep so I don’t get a notification.