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[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Stop it! 😂
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”