I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
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Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Angel: oh look, the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it
Oh. My. God.
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
[Library]
MAN: Do you have books on fire?
LIBRARIAN: Yes, in the Chemistry section
MAN: Come on boys!
*Swarms of firemen enter with hoses*
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.