@CandyEmpires

Identity theft is the most diabolical way someone can compliment you on doing a good job at life.

@CandyEmpires

If you honk at me at a light, I turn off my engine, get out and blow up my car. I think it’s important to demonstrate what true commitment to road rage looks like.

@CandyEmpires

Dating you makes me want to be a better person. So I can date better people.

@CandyEmpires

Literally nothing has had less of an impact towards changing my life than that inspirational quote you posted on social media.

@CandyEmpires

Your psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

@CandyEmpires

I wish I would have listened to my grandma when she told me one day I’d regret not focusing harder on my hitman career.

@CandyEmpires

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.