INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
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My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
YouTube DIY videos be like “turn this $1 pallet into a beautiful dining table with 14 thousand dollars worth of tools”
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
Unexpected Judgment
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
On the off chance you choose to start a rumor about me, please make it extra hot so I can live vicariously, thanks
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
Well, if I called the wrong number, why did you answer the phone?