“Is that a banana in your pocket or you just happy to see me?”

*Pulls out smart car


When I was a kid, I wanted to be an adult.

So yeah….kids are stupid.


My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.


I hope I get a good grade on my kids science project this year.


*Works out on rowing machine

*Breaks rowing machine

*Doesn’t know own strength

*Buys Doritos to celebrate

*Can’t open bag


I’m at my most brilliant when the door says “pull” and I don’t believe it.


*Sees thing on floor

*Vacuums over said thing

*Vacuum cant pick it up

*Picks up thing

*Looks at it

*Puts it back on the floor to vacuum