the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
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Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Sister1: People can see your bra when you lean forward
Sister2: Yeah a beige one would be less noticeable than turquoise
Me: Well if they’re gonna get a peek it may as well be pretty
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Another election year, another voting day writing in Bart Simpson on the ballot.
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
AM I BEING GASLIT????
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
[pretend restaurant]
4-year-old: what do you want ?
me: pizza
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
4: nothing
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.