Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
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GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
Me: *looking at spider in my bathroom*
Spider:
Me:
Spider:
Me: so, are we gonna do this superhero thing now or do you want me to flush you?