“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
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I’ve finally convinced my parents to let me get their fruit & vege & my dad has now sent me this floor plan of the shop. Clearly I’m 44 & a total moron 🙂
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
just got absolutely bodied by a 4 y/o girl on the tube – i gave my gf a kiss on the head and she points and shouts “look! her daddy is giving her kisses!”
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
Nasa: Perseverance rover, status report
Perseverance: THERE ARE OTHER DEAD ROVERS HERE
Nasa: now calm down-
Perseverance: THIS IS A PLANET OF DEATH
I need better friends
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
What if dogs are way smarter than we think and they just play dumb so they don’t have to work and pay taxes.
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
In 10 years they’ll make a Fast & Furious movie in outer space
and they’ll shift gears to go faster.
in space.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
My true love: [gives to me a partridge in a pear tree]
Me: wtf how did you wrap this
Against the wall, on the counter and bent over the couch are the places I like to stretch.
*notices keys/wallet/pills in a weird place*
Other people: I should put that back where it belongs
Me: I’ll definitely remember that it’s there next time I look for it
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses