Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of CantWaitToNap's best tweets

@CantWaitToNap : Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

@CantWaitToNap: My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.

Whatever, I needed some sleep.

@CantWaitToNap: His best quality?

His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.

@CantWaitToNap: OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.

@CantWaitToNap: I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

@CantWaitToNap: Sorry I hit you with my car over and over... but you kept getting up.

@CantWaitToNap: “I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.

@CantWaitToNap: *Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”

Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”

@CantWaitToNap: Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.