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@CantWaitToNap : Sorry I hit you with my car over and over... but you kept getting up.
@CantWaitToNap: “I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
@CantWaitToNap: Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
@CantWaitToNap: *Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”
Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
@CantWaitToNap: Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
@CantWaitToNap: It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
@CantWaitToNap: Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
@CantWaitToNap: Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
@CantWaitToNap: Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
@CantWaitToNap: [Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.