It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
*Seductively forgets you*
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*