@CantWaitToNap

Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.

Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”

@CantWaitToNap

*Bites lower lip*

“So this is an abduction then?”

Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”

@CantWaitToNap

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

@CantWaitToNap

My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.

@CantWaitToNap

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

@CantWaitToNap

*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*

*Downloads five apps*

That should do it for today.

@CantWaitToNap

Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”

Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”

Cop: …

@CantWaitToNap

“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.