Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”
Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.