me: [kicking leaves in the park]
wife: how are you getting your leg so high
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
They say if a cranky baby won’t sleep, take a nice long car ride…
*hands cab driver $200, goes back to bed*
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’