Divorce lawyer: we should talk about custody
Me: I can’t trust her with my ant farm
Wife: he means the kids
Me: I trust them even less
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Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Dash light: “0 miles to empty.”
Me: “Bet.”
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
December birthdays be like…
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.