Why I divorced her.
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WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
I hate when doctors knock before they come in. Like what do you want me to say “who is it?”
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
If you didn’t get called to a meeting with your 5-yr-old son’s principal because he was inviting girls to his “naked party,” you aren’t me.
I let people think I take the stairs to be fit but really I’m just scared of elevators
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
“I Spy” is the easiest game to win at cause you can just keep being like “nope that’s not it”
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
I posted a picture of a salad I made myself for dinner and some guy I’ve never met messaged me to inform me he’s allergic to almonds. Why is this so funny to me?
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car