Be extra nice to retail workers this week. It’s not their fault you waited until the last minute to shop for a holiday that has fallen on the same day every year since you were born
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The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
You’d think the people in front of me at this self-checkout were trying to operate a nuclear reactor
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
titanic
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Sharks apparently don’t like the taste of human so if you get eaten by one it wasn’t even enjoying it. just begrudgingly forcing you down. you’re dying as the ocean’s bread heel