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Page of CaptainJerkwad's best tweets

@CaptainJerkwad : My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.

@CaptainJerkwad: Hate being a funeral director
"why'd u take the job?"
I inherited it from my dad
"You could've just declined it"
And lose my first customer?

@CaptainJerkwad: Went to a restaurant. The sign said "breakfast anytime." So I ordered French toast during the renaissance

@CaptainJerkwad: "Where does it hurt?" the doctor asked.

"Right Ear" replied the Englishman, pointing to his broken ankle.