My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
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I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I didn’t come here to be called names
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
LETS SHARE EMBARRASSING STORIES. me first: i saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
The dinosaurs didnt “rule the earth” they were just alive stop giving them credit for administrative skills they almost certainly didnt have
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
I haven’t exaggerated in over 350 years.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
😂 amazing answer
My mom’s 60-something friend was set up with a 67-year-old guy who is “not looking for anything serious” in case you think that ever ends
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either