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My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of