What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
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Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
I was raised to be humble which I excel at cause I excel at everything.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Genius idea!!
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”