Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
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satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
😂😂
72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages, and some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
Peace was never an option
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK