Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
You Might Also Like
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
“Just gonna take a little off the top” I whisper, scooping all the icing from your cake with my fork.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.