A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
You Might Also Like
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
Oh how the tables have turned Linda…have fun getting out now! 😏😂🐶
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜