my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
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Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
Some time last year, I accidentally splashed pothole water onto a lady on a rainy day. When I stopped to apologise, the lady immediately ran away! I’m still wondering why
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
“Life is full of surprises,” I say as you open your shower curtain.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I took my birthday off of all my social media accounts to see who remembered it. So I got messages from my mother-in-law, the place that does my colonoscopy, and the bank.🤣