@CatherineLMK

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

@CatherineLMK

Shaking hands is so weird:

“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”

@CatherineLMK

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

@CatherineLMK

“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”

-actual message from my mom

@CatherineLMK

A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.

@CatherineLMK

Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.

@CatherineLMK

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

@CatherineLMK

I estimate 70% of my work conversations are just me quoting made up statistics.