-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
I estimate 70% of my work conversations are just me quoting made up statistics.