*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
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Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
Does it…does it take 3 days
since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
roses are red
violets are blue
the jerk store called
theyre running out of you
Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.