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Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
My teenage children choosing violence
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
Them: Pain is just weakness leaving the body!
Me: Yes, but also sometimes pain is just last night’s extra hot burrito leaving the body too!!
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Sorry I looked completely surprised that your baby didn’t burst into flames when I chanted The Power Of Christ Compels You.
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.