Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
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OH GOOD!
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
interviewer: can you explain these gaps in your resume?
me: umm I believe those are from the space bar
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
A girl on Facebook says it’s officially too cold to go outside. Thank you for your official confirmation, Madison, I will remain indoors.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
[cop trying to cuff me] Stop. Doing. Jazz. Hands.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit