@CauseWereGuys

My roommate is 3 days younger than me so ive gotten in the habit of saying “when i was your age..” and then describing what i did 3 days ago

@CauseWereGuys

The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’ we should call it prosti….. oh wait.

@CauseWereGuys

I farted while lifting a heavy object today. It was very embarrassing. I had to apologize to the man at the next urinal.

@CauseWereGuys

Lord please give me patience, because if you give me strength I may just beat someone to death.

@CauseWereGuys

Siri is the only girl that answers my questions without having to ask why..