uncle dave has been through hell
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Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
[Mom]: My son’s voice is changing
[Dr.]: Thats normal at his age
[Mom]: This is normal?
*fax machine noises are coming from the kid’s mouth*
When you have to marry your mother-in-law
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
America sucks rn. I’m moving to the USA!
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs