If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
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I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Pokey.
But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I’ve finally had time to open the boxes in the basement. Well guess who is coming up smelling like vintage 80s English Leather.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!