Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
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Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
*throws caution to the wind*
*blows right back into face*
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.