When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
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My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Thoughts and prayers for my 4yo who’s distraught her twin brother finished peeing. She won’t be giving further details at this time.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.
yall can name 10 kardashians but you can’t name 10 jesuses
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.