She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
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Me: *finds God*
God: “Okay your turn… 1… 2… 3…”
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
If you take a blue whale and lay it end to end on a basketball court, it will be really hard to play basketball.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Always
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
*starts GoFundMe campaign to buy a soft drink at the movies*
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
me (extremely dehydrated and feeling nauseous after drinking nothing but coffee all day): wtf why is this happening the human body is so mysterious
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
My 5yo “cleaned” the house today… she started in the bathroom, with the toilet, and then proceeded to wipe down every inch of the house, including doorknobs, with the same towel.
If that’s not the best analogy for quarantine with kids, I don’t know what is.