I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
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The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
Unimpressed
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
I traced the call. It was phone-shaped.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad