@CerebralWreck

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

@CerebralWreck

According to my FitBit, last week I burned 23 calories and my Ex’s house.

@CerebralWreck

Lawyer: why do you want a divorce?
Wife: because he use idioms incorrectly.
Me: it’s not my cup of shoes, Linda!

@CerebralWreck

[date started at 9 pm]

[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.

[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.

@CerebralWreck

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.