Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?