*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
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[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Instead of throwing cheese at babies, I would like to gently lay a piece of cheese over a sleeping mouse like a blankie, then when he wakes up, it’s like a bed & breakfast.
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
(by @ZachWeiner )
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Don’t drive me crazy… unicycle me there. Show some originality, man!
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok