Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
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Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
The spouse with the most blanket in the morning is the undercover boss.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome