I’m doing the lords work (judging)
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i can’t wait that long
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
My kid just asked my mom if she’d known anyone from the bible personally so I think it’s safe to say she can kiss that trust fund goodbye
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
I tell my toddler she needs to put her own toys away so she’s started giving me all the toys she has out as ‘presents’ just before it’s time to tidy up and I can’t even be mad coz that’s genius