In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.