[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
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I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Don’t you dare stand in my way, that’s my job.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets