Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
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“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
you know when you’re rocking the no makeup look and you assume you’re lookin all beachy natural n cute but then u look in the mirror and u look like a victorian child sick with influenza who won’t make it through the winter
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
saw this in a dream
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
Date: Before you I had Brazilian boyfriends
Me: That’s not even a real number
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons