I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
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Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
My weather app just says, “Oh no.” I wonder what that means?
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB. That was a trip down memory lane.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
“Why the hell wooden I be?”
– Pinocchio
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
it’s the silliest best thing
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”