@CheeseDaydreams

I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose

@CheeseDaydreams

The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.

@CheeseDaydreams

My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.

Me: Wow, you two really like comedy

Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?

Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?

@CheeseDaydreams

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

@CheeseDaydreams

Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right

@CheeseDaydreams

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

@CheeseDaydreams

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.

@CheeseDaydreams

My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.