[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
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Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
Des Moines Police having a normal one
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
@Ivsy01 Your tweets are so awesome, we had to make a page for you in our site!
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Has anyone done the math on “a problem shared is a problem halved.”
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March