Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
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A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
According to the 5-second rule, if you drop your baby, you can eat it–so long as it’s within 5 seconds.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.
Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.